How to Heal from Purity Culture Trauma

If you grew up in church, you’ve got a lot of experience in Purity Culture. You might have heard about “purity” before you even learned about sex!

Purity Culture doesn’t just mean being told to “save sex for marriage.” While sexual abstinence is a central idea, there’s an entire system of strict rules for modesty, sexuality, gender, and relationships. The exact rules in your faith community may vary, but the effects of Purity Culture are always the same: shame, disconnection, and fear.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably already figured out that Purity Culture is a scam. You know the pain, confusion, shame, and frustration of trying to deconstruct your experience. You’re probably working to reclaim your life, body, and relationships. No matter where you are in your recovery process, I want you to know you’re not alone. You can heal from Purity Culture trauma.

Hi, I’m Emily Maynard, and I’m a licensed psychotherapist in California. I help people heal from Purity Culture trauma, reduce shame, and build relationships with more peace and confidence.

I also grew up in Purity Culture, so I get how hard it is, but I also can assure you that it is possible to heal, and build a meaningful life!

In this blog, you’ll learn more about five ways to heal from toxic purity culture.

Purity Culture causes real, lasting damage

You’re not overreacting. Purity Culture is harmful.

Maybe there was a time when it felt normal to you, because most of the people you knew agreed with it. If you’re a rule-follower, you might have liked having the guidelines all laid out. The important people in your life, like church leaders, mentors, teachers, parents, and even your favorite influencers probably reinforced Purity Culture. They promised an easy life, a happy marriage, and divine blessings if you followed the rules, “saved sex for marriage,” and “guarded your heart.” All you had to do was stay “pure” in the specific way they taught you.

The problem is, Purity Culture has an incredibly narrow view of sexual and relational experiences. It says that there is only one right way to live and be a good human. It demands perfect alignment to specific ideas about gender roles, sexuality, appearance, emotions, dating, faith, and marriage. It requires you to judge others who don’t conform to the single story. And then it threatens you with disgrace in your community or even eternal consequences if you make a mistake! 

It is based on fear of the magnificent experiences of human sexuality and interactions with other people that can be safe and loving. Purity Culture thrives on fear and shame. And living in constant fear is damaging to your body.

The psychological effects of Purity Culture are being studied in research, too including sexual dysfunction for cis women, increased depression and anxiety, and shame and avoidance of intimate relationships.

Purity Culture trauma can be even worse for those who experience sexual violence, are LGBTQIA+, or marginalized for other identities like race, body size, or disabilities. (I recommend the book #ChurchToo by Emily Joy Allison for a comprehensive explanation of the link between Purity Culture and other forms of abuse.)

Purity Culture can seem like an overwhelming force, but I’ve done my own work to deconstruct these ideas, and I know it’s possible.

5 Ways to Deconstruct & Heal from Purity Culture

1. Get Accurate Sex Education

Even if you didn’t grow up in Purity Culture, your sexual education was probably lacking or happened a long time ago. We’ve made amazing advancements in sexual health and identity research in the past few years, and you deserve to learn more about it!

I get it, learning about bodies and biology can feel boring, or even gross if you were taught that bodies are sinful or fallen. But sexual health includes biological information, because you are a human being with a physical body, baby! 

The more you know about different bodies and parts, the more you can feel safe exploring the emotional aspects of sexual identity and relationships. Learning about sexuality as a natural biological experience can reduce some of the stigma and shame, and demystify the sexual experiences that Purity Culture cloaked in scary religious language.

Sexual health is a lifelong journey, not something you do once and for all. Your sexual health will change over time, so you will need to monitor it regularly. Physical information about sexual health may also include information about common challenges and disorders in sexual health, including vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, orgasmic and ejaculation disorders. If you’ve experienced any of these, it can be helpful to learn more about them in order to advocate for yourself with medical providers and navigate the healthcare system for treatment. 

My favorite resources include: Scarleteen, Erica Smith Sex Education, SexETC, and Sex Positive Families.

2. Develop Your Own Sexual Values & Preferences

Purity Culture only offered one story about sex, so you need to develop your own sexual values and ethical positions. In some ways, Purity Culture was easier with all the rules that told you what behaviors were okay and what weren’t, and in which relationships. For people who tend to dissociate, it was easy to turn off your brain and put off ever thinking about your sexuality. 

Now you have to learn all about context, agency, pleasure, and consent! 

Healing from Purity Culture involves stepping out of judgment and the idea that there is only one right way to live, and moving into a space where you figure out what is right for you, right now. Some sexual values outside of Purity Culture include: consent, pleasure, agency, privacy, respect, curiosity, adventure, and fun, or others that you choose!

Set aside for a moment the idea that any consenting legal sexual activity is universally right or wrong. Just because it’s consensual, that doesn’t mean it will feel right or pleasurable for you. Exploration is key to recovering from Purity Culture! You can develop your own list of sexual preferences, and recognize that there are many healthy, safe, and ethical ways to experience your sexuality, from kink to erotica and ethical porn. (Yes, there is such a thing!) Your job is to figure out what feels good for you, right now!

There are also many ethical ways to experience love, relationships, and commitment, not just heterosexual monogamous marriage. Your job now is to figure out your relational ethics and what types of relationships make you feel safe, happy, and growing right now: monogamy or consensual non-monogamy (polyamory)? 

You’re free to explore at your own pace, and to change your mind about whether something feels right for you. Some of this will take trial and error – even if you aren’t having partnered sexual experiences, you can imagine what you may like, and mentally “try out ideas” to see what fits your values, and what feels uncomfortable but still interesting to you. 

Once you’ve identified some of the things you want, try saying them aloud by yourself and notice how it feels. This may make it easier to tell other people your preferences or what you want to try with them. In Purity Culture, masturbation is often strongly discouraged as a way of disconnecting people from their bodies, needs, and desires. Masturbation is actually a very safe and healthy way to explore pleasure on your own and identify what feels good for you!

Remember that you can always change your mind, decide you aren’t ready for something, or don’t want to continue. Consent and agency means that you are in charge of your body and what feels good, not an external force or religious group.

3. Build Personal & Relationship Skills

Unlearn the idea that there is one right person for your romantic life, and expand your idea that many types of relationships and durations can be meaningful.

Purity Culture limited our relationships to the idea that Heterosexual Marriage = Good, and because nearly all sexual activity is stigmatized, it sets up getting married as the goal rather than learning how to be our authentic selves in safe, meaningful relationships.

Purity Culture also discouraged frequent, casual dating and discouraged people from living together before getting married, labeling these choices as promiscuous and sinful. Again, these lies functioned as a way of keeping people from learning about themselves, their needs, and desires! 

Purity Culture can cause people to rush into marriages too quickly, excuse the warning signs of unhealthy relationships, or even force LGBTQIA or asexual people into heterosexual marriage structures.

Dating and relationships are powerful ways we learn about ourselves, and all sorts of relationships are valuable. Dating can teach us how to clearly articulate our needs and desires, and honor the needs and desires of others. Dating can be fun, safe, and connective, even if it doesn’t “go anywhere.” Marriage is one type of relationship, but it is not inherently the best type of relationship or the only way to show love.

In Purity Culture, marriage is the goal of your life until you get it, and then you must do everything to keep it. But relationships can end or change significantly, and you can still be okay. Divorce can be hard, but it can also be a relief, a reclamation, and a better path for a family (including children!). You may even get more intentional about shaping your life around deep and committed friendship, discussed in Rhaina Cohen’s The Other Significant Others.

Ultimately, leaving Purity Culture means growing into the understanding that our lives our complex and varied, and relationships can look very different for different people at different times. Different paths are good, not a failure.

4. Learn to Tolerate Other People’s Disappointment and Work Through Shame

Learn to tolerate other people’s disappointment if your choices differ from theirs. Your parents, your church community, your religious friends, even your non-religious friends all have their own ideas about sex and relationships. You can choose privacy and limit what you share with whom.  

You may have to grieve that your relationships weren’t as close or open as you hoped. A relationship that depended on your constant conforming to their ideas and choices for your life isn’t an equal or fair relationship. 

Purity Culture communities require that everyone hides all sorts of sexual desires, sensations, and experiences, and hiding can contribute to shame. You may be already hiding your sexual experiences or identities from your loved ones, and terrified of what would happen if you make a visible choice like move in with your partner without being married to them, come out as queer, or have an open relationship structure and multiple partners.

Remember that you only have one life, and you are allowed to live it, make mistakes, and change your mind. Nobody has it all figured out - even the people who taught you Purity Culture! Even if they are disappointed, you can learn to live and thrive. 

You probably already know who you can trust, so it’s important to listen to your body. If you feel more shame around certain people, you can find a dedicated non-judgmental space like therapy or a support group so you can practice expressing yourself to someone else. Shame thrives on secrecy, but being open with safe people dissolves shame’s power. 

Guilt is a useful emotion that shows up when we’ve violated our ethics or moral positions. Shame is an unhelpful emotion that shows up when we don’t follow the guidelines of a dominant group. Learning the difference in your body and emotional experience will help you live ethically and bravely.

5. Get Treatment for Sexual Trauma

Get support for sexual harm and trauma, assault, and violence. Trauma healing is really hard to do on your own. Humans are a social species, and trauma has significant impacts on your brain and body that are difficult to heal independently, without support. Sexual trauma often isolates people, and healing can best happen in a safe relational context.

Even if you haven’t experienced sexual assault or direct violence, Purity Culture trauma is real trauma that deserves attention and healing. You may not feel worthy of labeling your experience with Purity Culture as “abuse,” but I’m here to assure you that your experience matters. The harm that you experienced isn’t all in your head. 

Many people who grew up in Purity Culture experience physiological responses such as anxiety and panic when they begin to explore dating and sexual pleasure, even after they begin to deconstruct their beliefs. This can be especially confusing if you feel that your experience within Purity Culture wasn’t as bad as other people’s stories. But the trauma responses you may be experiencing are real, because the harm was real. 

Purity Culture is a toxic, fundamentally abusive theology because of the way that it intentionally severs a person’s mind/body connection, ignores power dynamics and consent, and creates contexts that are ripe for assault and violence. 

Even before you could articulate it, your body sensed that you weren’t safe in this system! 

Your parents and church leaders may not have personally intended to abuse you. They probably thought that the tenets of Purity Culture would keep you safe! But that doesn’t mean that their enforcement of Purity Culture wasn’t harmful. 

Part of the journey of purity culture recovery is recognizing and admitting the ways that it was harmful to you, even if your experience happened to be “mild.” Your body will continue to sound the alarm through anxiety, avoidance, hypervigilance, shame, or dissociation, until you find ways to let your body know that you’re safe. 

Somatic therapies may be more effective than talk therapies, but no therapy is universally successful. You may need to try a few types of therapy or meet with different therapists to find out what works best for you, but it is possible to heal from sexual trauma and childhood abuse.

You may need to put effort into practicing sustaining pleasurable feelings. When you’ve been told your whole life that something that feels good is bad, our brains connect pleasure with bad and that can cause all sorts of problems. You may need to consciously rewire your brain to believe that feeling good is good, and learn how to tolerate pleasure.

Books like Better Sex Through Mindfulness and exercises like sensate focus can help.

You can recover from Purity Culture trauma

Even if you embraced those ideals for a time, you didn’t invent Purity Culture or choose to be harmed by it. You may not even have had a choice or ever heard that there was another option for ethical relationships and sexuality! If you confront this process with a big dose of self-compassion, you’re going to take a step forward in your healing. 

If you’re in California, Idaho, or Florida and want support from a licensed therapist for healing Purity Culture trauma, set up a free consultation call. If you need to heal trauma from your religious upbringing or family dysfunction, this is your sign to start. You’ve already made big steps to get you here!

I know healing is possible because I’ve done it, and I’ve helped clients like you make changes that last. Purity Culture happened to you, but you can heal and move forward with agency, pleasure, and confidence in your life!